Still not still

So the message has been coming at me for a while now: I need to be a bit more mindful, do a bit of meditation every day, tune in more to what's going on inside. And I know, for sure, it's a great idea. I know it will help me to be healthier in body, mind and spirit. I know it will make me happier. And yet, it's still not happening. Oh sure, some days, some days I meditate, maybe even a couple of times in the day. And it's great; I feel the benefits immediately. I feel blockages soften and shift. I feel energy moving through me. I release those tricky, sticky emotions that have gotten stuck under the cushions of my inner sofa. This is top-class healing. It feels great. And yet....still not happening, not every day anyway.

Why? Why this self-sabotage? Why, when I know (and I mean know, in my bones; know 100%; have lived this, know) that when I make space to sit with myself, feel all my feelings fully, listen to what my body is telling me, life gets better. So why aren't I gleefully and easily meditating every day? I've had weeks, months, and even years, when I did. It was transformative. Still, somewhere along the way, I lost the habit. Somehow, it's just not automatic, unlike all the wonderful ways I have of avoiding what I'm feeling (Hello sugar, I love you. You too, books...and films...and wine). Much as I know (and, God forgive me, preach) that fully being present to our feelings is our only way to real freedom, peace and happiness (in our selves and in the world), I'm still not there yet.

Is there an up-beat ending to this out-pouring? I don't know yet but I really, really hope so. I suppose I can slightly shift my focus to something else I'm working on these days: compassion. I could specify self-compassion but that's the funny thing about compassion: you can't really separate out feeling it for someone else and directing it towards yourself. You might be pointing it at someone else but it sort of gently explodes and suddenly your own heart is all soaked in it. So, where was this going? Oh yes, I've been getting a lot better at holding myself with compassion lately. How that happened is a whole other story (but thank you, shamanism, and thank you, me, for a whole lot of work and showing up) but the point is I can hold myself with compassion in this situation. Rather than berate myself and feel like shit because I'm not meditating every day, I can, with compassion, notice my resistance, give it some attention, get to know it better and compassionately hold myself by the hand as I figure all of this out. And oh look! That's actually mindfulness! Oh yay! I did find an up-beat ending.

On a not-entirely-tangental note, I recorded a guided meditation I love this week. It's from Stephen Levine's transformative book "A Year to Live". You can listen to the meditation here or here. It's got a lot of that lovely compassion stuff in it (and it's less than 10mins long- bonus!)

Thanks for hanging on 'til the not-too-bitter end. May compassion seep into your life and your heart this week.